16:05 03/10/2026
Welcome to the Journal section of my website, as this is the first entry I shall keep it short. I would like to note that each new entry is added below the last, so to find the newest entry you will have to scroll to the bottom of the page.
Anyways, today I have done very little other than coding this site, as I am currently revamping it. I hope it turns out well enough. I may do a second entry later today.
16:10 04/10/2026
I slept at about five in the morning last night, or rather today. Awoke at about one in the afternoon. I showered around one if not one and a half hours ago. I turned on the shower at the coldest temperature on the warm setting, which is still cold but pleasantly so despite it needing some getting used to. Before I got into the shower I knelt before it naked, and, in an Adamite fashion, prayed to God, which is the reason I feel anything regarding this is worth writing about.
The reason I bothered to pray naked with cold water essentially spraying onto me before I got into the shower is because I feel it is more natural. In the last paragraph, I referenced the Adamites, and indeed I prayed like one. To pray naked is to reject the loss of innocence by Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, that is to reject the notion of the naked human form being something of a sexual nature. I am not a sexual puritan, in fact I believe the union of individuals in sex is deeply holy, but the reduction of the base of humanity to being something regarded as purely sexual is a tragedy. As God, as I conceive Him, created humanity naked and as we all are born naked then it is a natural enough conclusion that we should not fear praying to Him unclothed.
Anyways, as I knelt in front of the stream of water coming from the shower head, I prayed that all humanity should find love amongst one another, that Eden be restored on Earth and that people come to know the love of life once more. I can only pray that such a thing happens, now more than ever. As I prayed the water from the shower, which was mostly landing perhaps around a quarter of a foot from where I knelt, slightly sprayed my knees and thighs with its coolness, a tad like standing beside the coast on a windy day, though on a much smaller scale. The feeling was rather wonderful; like the light of the sun penetrating the weak points of thick clouds to shine singular beams of light onto the land, in a sense.
I concluded my prayers and showered, as one does, and naturally I began thinking whilst I stood in the shower. It came to me that the world could be mine, and the only thing I needed to get there was faith in God and belief in myself. I have long been in a depression, for about a year and a half, but it came to my mind that the only way forth from the bottom is upwards, and, in physics, the only thing that would propel an object forth would be force. Therefore, by exerting the force of my own will on myself, then, like an object, I will be propelled forth. As long as I believe that I can conquer my life, make the world my own, then I can do those things. I do not need to will them into existence, because my will already exists alongside them. In other words, I feel that life does not have to be as miserable as I feel it is, because I do not have to be miserable. If I feel that something wonderful is going to happen to me, then, eventually, it will. I have long been scared that I will amount to nothing in life, that I will grow old and die alone after many years spent a wage-slave. But now, I think that by rejecting those things, by supposing that they simply will not happen, then they shall not. It would be simply incorrect to believe that I need to force myself to live a normal life. I wish to become an aristocrat of the soul, to conquer life, and if I believe that I am on a journey to become a man of a truly aristocratic nature then I should never doubt myself, and one day I shall achieve it. Through God and my own will, I will someday conquer Earth and cleanse it of the sin perpetuating it. There will be a day which comes where I am the strongest man alive, where I have conquered all my life and all my goals, that day wherein the world is to my liking, the weather is in a perfect state, where God reigns truly eternally, where I have found the individual to complete my life, whether that person be a wife or husband to me I do not care, and it will be on that day that I have conquered and completed life, and then I will die, for I have done what I deem necessary. I need not reign King of the World for any longer than the first day, because then there would be nothing left to do. I shall only die when I have overcome life, or I shall die trying, and then, once I am dead, the cycle shall repeat itself one million more times, one new young revolutionary soul after another, each dying in grace and ascending to Heaven bearing ten-foot long feathered white wings.
After about five or ten minutes I had washed myself, and I began to become used to the cold temperature of the water. It was at this point I knew to get out the shower, because there is no reason to stay in a cold shower that is no longer awakening your body with its chill. After I got out, dried myself, et cetera, I have sat in my bedroom, and, of course, began writing this diary entry (which has taken forty minutes; it is currently 16:50!) and therefore this is the state in which my day currently sits. Therefore, I conclude this entry. Praise be to God!
20:33 7 October 2026
I haven’t written in quite a while, sadly. I haven’t been doing very much anyways. Mostly notably, I am back home now (I had stayed with my grandparents for about six days). I’ve done very little over the past few days other than spend my time talking to Aaron and Elias as well as watching nonsense. A shame, perhaps. As of recent, I’ve been watching a web series called DarkHarvest00, which is a rather good horror project. I’ve finished the first part of that so far, there are four total. Anyways, I have been attempting to pray, but I feel as though I haven’t been doing anything transformative enough sadly. I can hope to do better. Praise be to God!
22:16 8 October 2026
Went to school for the first time in roughly a week again today. It was a pointless endeavour as I am off on holiday next week, but I am still damned to go tomorrow. Nothing within me holds excitement for going tomorrow, as I have chemistry three times. Chemistry is nonsense, it is my worst class, and I will mostly likely fail my upcoming test. I haven’t prayed at all today, and I fear that my spiritual weakness will begin to take hold of me again. I shall pray tonight whilst I am in bed.
As was aforementioned yesterday, I am back home. I often find myself weaker and feeling worse here. I am unsure why. My parents generally provide a stricter and less autonomous environment, I suppose, and I hold little trust for them. There are many vast swathes of my life which they know little or nothing about. I plan to move out and live freely by myself at the earliest possible date. Well, not necessarily by myself individually, but by my own autonomy. Maybe I will live by myself, or maybe I will live communally with friends. Given how the economy is developing, I am guessing it would likely be less burdening to do the latter. I would like to live with people I truly care about anyways, I doubt living by myself would genuinely suit me. Perhaps for a little while I could bare only having my own company, but eventually I believe it would weigh on me. I am better off with people I love around me. I simply do not see a reality where my family could be those I live with or spend time around. I feel I am very different to them.
On the subject of living with people in the future, I am again growing the hunger in my soul for true love. I suppose that since this is relatively early on in this journal, I will say that I do not take the word love very lightly. I love three things, primarily, and those are: God, my closest friends, and any future lover I may encounter. I know many people take love for their friends as a very non-serious or light matter, but I do not. I hold genuine love for my closest friends, a familial kind of love, or something tribe-like. I feel that we are such similar people that we are in a non-romantic communal love. But these friends are purely in the complicated space of being online friends. I am not a loner and I have real life friends, and I value them, but at the end of the day I do not believe that they are similar enough to me to be a permanent fixture in my life, unfortunately. Aaron and Elias both mean a very deep amount to me as people who are extremely similar to me and extremely kind to me; and I have the added bonus of being roughly entirely sure that they are not random folks, but rather they are true friends. But that is enough of that detour, as my original point was about true love, or romantic love. I have love for my friends, but I do not have romantic love for anybody. As I said, I am already in love with any future lover I may encounter. In other words, I am already in love with the thought of being in love. I yearn for many hours at night to be cared about and to have someone to care for, but it seems increasingly impossible. In the current culture, people have became so concerned with the physical reality of their lives that they are unwilling to push past it and find love. They are all become increasingly distant, increasingly sectarian, increasingly lonesome, and they are all refusing to run against it. Everyone has become so caught up with their own group in society that they will not reach across to another group to establish love, and much less will they do this on an individual level. The issue persists in both genders, because they are both abandoning their unity for solitude. It is hopeless. I may only try to find love, but it is an unlikely outcome.
That concludes this entry for the now. Praise be to God.
23:23 9 October 2026
Today was half-decent. Missed registration as per usual, woke up too late, it is far too much trouble to pull myself out of bed to be worth getting anywhere on time. Made it to geography on time since I got in roughly when the bell went, endured my first period of chemistry afterwards. Went to maths and discovered I got 1 out of 17 marks on the test. Dreadful. Went to English and discovered I got 23 out of 30 marks on the RUAE assessment. Not half bad. The teacher was getting up everyone’s individual arse about the grade we’d aim for on the final exam at the end of the year. I said I’d aim for a B3, which is roughly 65 percent and upwards, something I should be able to achieve with enough ease. Went to lunch, ate a burger I bought from a café, it was okay but nothing special. I returned to school and went to my final two periods, both being chemistry. We got around twenty minutes to look at notes then we did a test for a period and a half. A dreadful, awful test. I was finished second, not by intellectual merit but rather by my blind mind leading my blind hand. I remember one question was something along the lines of “X thing causes y. Why does this happen?” and my response, naturally, was to write something along the lines of “because x causes y”. I will surely fail chemistry. But all of that is hardly worth worrying about anyways, as I am off for another week and a half. Maybe this time around I can fix myself and make my life better to live. Maybe I can be harsher on myself and I can live and love as I wish in a disciplined state. Maybe I can run away into the hills and forests, and that will be that. Maybe nothing will change at all.
I wish to do better. I cannot. I cannot love as I should. I don’t know why. I will be alone as long as I live, perceivably. I am unsure why I feel this way. I can surround myself with as many people as I like but I seem to always be alone.
That concludes that. I feel as though I’ve written less tonight, so I may update this yet again later. We shall see! Praise be to God.
22:35 12 October 2026
I am spiritually hollow and failing, as per usual. I have done very little over the past few days. I am despairful. I look for meaning and nothing comes to me. I hate my life. I hate attending school, but when I am not attending school I find I hate it just as much. I hate this. Why is this the life I am condemned to? Why couldn’t I live in a better society, comprised of better men and women, to lead a better life, one where I am not so sad all of the time? Whenever I slowly stop despairing, enough that I note that I am not despairing, it all begins again. Why couldn’t I simply live a life where I feel love, where things come to me in a more simple sense? I wish to have trust in the Lord, and I try to, but I am simply such a spiritual failure, a product of the society which I am in. They say depressed people often blame society instead of themselves, but what does it matter who’s fault it is? It doesn’t fix any of my issues. Nothing will fix them. I hate my life. Praise be to God.
22:35 13 October 2026
It has been exactly one day since I wrote the last entry, I did not do this intentionally but it does mean it’s roughly an exact 24 hour gap. Anyways, I took many hours to fall asleep last night, but when I finally slept and awoke it was already one in the afternoon. Not a great start. I have done very little today and failed to pray even once. It is awful that I live. I wish for death to take me soon, but I doubt it will happen. I wish to do whatever I was supposed to in this life, but I have no idea what that is meant to be. I am worthless. Every time I try and pray I run out of things to say. What is the point in communicating with the divine if I am nothing by comparison? It’s hopeless. I am getting lonelier by the day. I wish the people of this generation were not so malicious. I wish I could find someone to love. I am all alone and no woman of this day would ever share my vision for life. How awful it is to be alive. I cannot commit suicide. Well, I could, very easily, I could jump off a building or cut myself, but I cannot do this whilst I have a faith in God. I deserve Hell, and that is where I would go for the life I live, and I do not want to go there. I want to know God. How can I? Everything seems to be without hope at all. All the things that bring me joy, any joke or whatever may make me smile only lasts a moment, and then it is dragged away. There is no point. God is eternal, yet I struggle to find him.
I have been feeling somewhat religiously homeless and Eastern Orthodoxy has piqued my interest after reading about the Iron Guard. I doubt I convert but I discovered some interesting things, for example apparently Moscow and Constantinople have gone into schism since 2018, which I was unaware of. Interesting.
Anyways, that is all. Praise be to God!